Christmas day by myself..

How I feel about love and marriage..

Almost got kicked out of nursing school.

"Tough times remind you of how lucky you are to have the umbrella of faith to top you when the trials of life try to stop you"

Dec. 6: I took one of my 3 final exams and failed it. I studied really hard but somehow 3 hours wasn't enough to answer 100 questions. I found myself guessing a lot and ended up with a score of 70/100. I needed at least 80 to pass. As soon as I finished the exam, I hid in the bathroom and cried because I knew then that I failed the class. It was a very difficult weekend. I didn't have the motivation to keep studying for my 2 remaining exams. I almost gave up and thought of not taking them. I went through a lot of scenarios in my head. At that point, I knew that the worst case scenario is to get completely kicked out of the program. Or go through the appeal process and get left behind for a year. I went through 5 stages of grief. I cried a lot, questioned God for not coming up with some sort of miracle to help me pass. After all, I did the work, I gave my 100% and I was thinking God should have met me halfway and did the rest. I felt like I don't have anymore fight left in me to go thru an additional year of studying. Moreover, the embarrassment of failing. I don't wanna see my peers next semester and have to tell them that I 'm now a year behind in school. Moreover, I definitely didn't want to sit in a conference room with the Dean and all the nursing committee and be interrogated for NOT being successful. I didn't think I could keep a straight face. These are people that I wanted to impress, and I don't want them to see me cry. I didn't want to sit in front of them looking like a big failure! But I guess there's a first time for everything.

Dec 9: Although I was too depressed to study, I still showed up and took my 2 remaining finals. I got 90 on the 1st one and 94 on the 2nd one. Yay right! But still it didn't meant anything because I still got that C- from the other class. Anyway, so after those 2 exams, I forced myself to calm down and contacted my adviser as well as the assistant dean to discuss my options. They helped me figure out the documents I needed to go through the appeal process.  I basically needed to write a letter explaining what happened and what I can do to ensure my success next time. 

Dec 17: Day of the conference for my progression appeal. It was a roller coaster experience. I felt like I was on my own. I felt like nobody cared what happens to me. It felt like everything I said was something they've all heard before, therefore, not going to sway them to decide on my favor. In the end, one of my past clinical professor saw me crying so she asked why. I told her everything and she was nice enough to listen and let me cry on her shoulder. She was very helpful. She gave me what I needed the most at that time -- which is a hug from someone who cares.

Dec 18: The night of 18th, the president of the appeal committee emailed me to let me know they granted my appeal. Happy night!! They ended up stretching my clinical hours, so instead of being in a 2-year track, I am now in a 3-year track. 

 Dec 20: I had another meeting with the Assistant Dean. She's been very helpful throughout this process too. She even told me she wanted me to succeed. It helps to hear words like that, because I'd been really beating myself up for failing. I also realized this happened because God is teaching me to ask for help. The process has been especially difficult since I needed to get over my pride, and asked for the faculty members support/help in my progression appeal. In retrospect, I wasn't alone after all. I was just drowning myself in self-pity.

• Good News: I'm still IN the program = my dream is still VERY possible.

• Bad News: I won't be graduating until 2016 (if everything goes well)

• More Bad News: I'll be experiencing some financial difficulty for the next 2 1/2 years.

What made me decide to appeal? As I said before, I went through a lot of scenarios in my head. All it did is made me realize how lost I would be if I don't become a Nurse Anesthetist. So it was either an additional year of hardship OR a lifetime of regret -- feeling completely lost and unfulfilled. It made it easier to see that an additional year is NOTHING. 

To sum it up: No matter how defeated I feel right now, I'm still at that point of my life where everything is still POSSIBLE. It's gonna take me longer to achieve my goal, but this is still a very great opportunity. Like what one of my friend told me, "5 years from now, my GPA wouldn't matter. Repeating a class won't matter. Even the year that I graduated wouldn't matter. What would matter is that I finish it and I become what I wanted to be. So chin up and be proud!" I'm thankful for the 2nd chance, not everybody get one. 

Distance has so little to do with forgetting.

 

DANCE OF LIFE by Joe D' Mango

There were two hearts that met in a dance.  That moment was magical.  There was a sweet song playing, there was harmony…and soon…love in the air.  They fell in love and started building castles with their dreams and promised forever with all certainty.  But, somewhere, in the midst of the fun, they got lost in the dance, something went wrong, but they can never do anything.  They were just drifting away, their fortress falling apart.  There were so many questions…but no one had an answer.

Then the music stopped…and there was silence…

 When we truly loved someone, we give our best and let that person see the pureness of our intention.  But sometimes, that person makes us cry and hurts us for the wrong reason.  That someone must have loved us, but he has not loved us enough to make him stand for what he truly felt.

Now, we are faced with the seemingly impossible task of forgetting.  We have burdened ourselves long enough, but we still can’t get out of this emotional trap.  Let us remember that the more we try to forget someone we love…the more painful letting go will become…

Sometimes, we never had to take that person out of our hearts at all…for he will always be there…no matter how we drive him away…It isn’t his presence that make this difficult.  It is our stubbornness to accept our destiny that aligns forgetting next to impossible.  We keep a cold face but deep in our hearts, there is still that lingering hope for reconciliation.  Somehow, we still believe that we can rekindle small embers and relight the fire that once burned in our hearts.  These thoughts give us hope… but also breed the seeds of loneliness and despair.

The only way to forget is to accept…and the only way to move on is to look ahead…and let the footprints of the past…be blown by the wind of time…only then can our hearts find a partner in the dance of life…and hopefully…never get lost again…

Memory Boost

A friend recommended this to me. I desperately need something to help me focus and retain more information. Well it definitely helps my energy. I don't feel like I need a nap every 8 hours anymore. Somehow, I'm now immune to plain coffee. Anyway, 3 days later I noticed that my nose is bleeding. Not sure if this is the reason. I don't think it has any blood thinning content so... not sure. Still, desperate so I will probably take this until Friday next week..

Gah!! My brain is fried, and starting to feel like I'm gonna have a heart attack!