Christmas day by myself..

journal entry that is worth saving..

10/18 Clinical

Posted by   at Tuesday, October 22, 2013 5:28:37 PM EDT

I’d been reading thru my past journal entries, and I realized I haven’t been writing the right things. Clinical is ok. There are parts of it that I’m good at i.e. being physically present, and reacting to what’s going on while I’m at the hospital. The hard part is thinking, writing and reflecting about what happened.

I’ve noticed something about myself while going through all this clinical. First, I haven’t been able to connect with any of the female patients except for Ellen (1st clinical). I realized that for female patients, I have this idea that they were all there for the same reasons which is failed romantic relationship = substance abuse/domestic abuse/suicidal ideation. So I guess, this whole time I’d been minimizing their problems and it was hard for me to face it because of what it says about me. It makes me think that I’m shallow, ignorant and that I don’t have an understanding heart. It’s been difficult for me to think of it as a mental illness. Growing up from the Philippines, I’ve seen women stay in a bad relationship for economic reasons. I can understand those women, but I’m having a hard time understanding how a woman who grew up in America can let a bad relationship ruin them for years. I understand that there’s also economic crisis and poverty going on in here but I can’t stop comparing what “being poor” is like back home to what it is like back here. To sum it up, I’ve heard of women wanting to kill themselves because they’d been severely abuse, they have nowhere to go, no government aids to help them therefore they feel worthless and hopeless. What I’d been encountering so far, are women who have substance abuse problems and suicidal ideation because their significant other stopped loving them. It is what I’d been trying to understand lately. I now conclude that this is exactly why they fit into the mental illness category, because normally you would just let go and move on instead of having suicidal ideations etc..

2nd, I had a “light bulb” moment during our suicide lecture. You mentioned that as a student nurse you were having a hard time asking your patient if they have suicidal ideation because you wouldn’t know what to do if they said “yes”. I feel the same way about crying. I realized I don’t know what to do when someone cries in front of me so I avoid subjects that would make anyone cry. In the past, I dealt with it by saying something funny/foolish or tickling someone. Tickling a patient is certainly wrong in all level! I think this one of the reason I’m having such a hard time letting the conversation between the patients and I just flow. I think I subconsciously try to keep the conversation light and casual because I don’t want anyone to cry in front of me. In all honesty, during our first class when you asked us to bring something that describes us, I carefully planned bringing something that wouldn’t make me burst into tears and I was secretly praying everyone would do the same thing too. I think this is something I need to figure out more. I really can’t remember dealing with this type of situation face to face. Even with my best friend, I don’t say anything, I just let her cry then later on I will write her a letter or an email to let her know I care.

3rd, from our last clinical, you asked me what made Daniel different? I thought of this a lot and I can tell you a safe answer like he is the 1st patient I actually built a rapport with and got to see twice. I think though, the real answer is I can relate to some of what he's going through. It’s a family situation that I don’t feel comfortable sharing, but I saw a resemblance and it shook me. This experience also showed me how sympathizing to a patient can be a roadblock to a therapeutic relationship.

Collapse Commentsfor 10/18 Clinical Comments: 1 Add Comment

•   LL said…

  Thursday, October 31, 2013 10:22:04 PM EDT
  This is one of the best journal entries I have ever gotten. Your self assessment and honesty are inspirational. You think in an in depth way about yourself and about the women you have been working with. Also you are comparing cultures and cultural beliefs/expectations.
  Crying is a tough circumstance. I suppose it is helpful to pause to think about what is happening to the patient that has left them crying. It can be so many different things, physical pain, frustration, sadness, fear, disappointment, shock and the release of emotion (to name a few). Since we can't touch them, it makes it harder to figure out what to do. You use your friend as an example, where you wait while she cries then acknowledge it later. Does it work? Setting aside your discomfort, it sounds like you are there with her, you don't judge her and you offer support when you can. Doesn't sound bad to me, you sound like a good friend to me. Often nurses try to jump in and "fix" things, as opposed to having the patience to sit quietly with the person.
  As for #3 you show a remarkable amount of insight, perceptiveness, and maturity.
  Nice work.
  

study study study

✨Big dreams start somewhere✨… Always keep that in mind through all the late night studying, no sleep, 12-14 hour clinical shifts, care plans, constant stress and weekly exams… It’s all for a greater purpose❤

When God gives, He always exceeds your expectations.

To: YOU

Date: TODAY

From: GOD - The Boss

Subject: YOURSELF

Reference: LIFE

This is God. Today, I will be handing all of your problems for you. I do not need your help. So, Have a nice day.

I love you.

P.S.

And remember, if life happens to deliver a situation that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it yourself. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME. All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold it by worrying too much. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life right now.

If you find yourself stuck in traffic, don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard privilege.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day and seven days a week just to feed her children.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

Should you have a bad day at work; think of the man who has been out of work for years.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles aways from assistance; think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take than walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she has hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking "what is my purpose", be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities... Remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them!

Now, you have a nice day.

-GOD-

I focus on what I love and thus draw it to me.

Don't feel bad about negative thoughts you have, for fearing or disliking your negative thoughts gives them more power. Respond to negative thoughts as you would to small children who don't know any better; simply smile and show them a better way to be. If you recognize a negative thought, simply place a positive thought alongside it. If, for instance, you catch yourself saying, "I don't have enough ___," simply say, "I have an abundance of ____."

Positive thoughts are more powerful than negative thoughts. One positive thought can cancel out hundreds of negative ones.. 

You create your reality according to your beliefs and expectations; therefore you should examine these carefully.

Timelessness

You’d flown away with your broken wings, years earlier.

I never though I’d see you again.

But you came back, with your mended wings.

You asked me if I'd still have you.

It wasn’t weakness that I saw in that moment.

It was strength.

Anger

will tear you down

it will make you less of the person

that you wanna be

it will tear apart your soul

He who is slow to anger

is better than the Mighty.

I was Here..

Leave bread crumbs.

Don't burn the bridges too soon.

And always know your way home.

confessions.. cliche?? i know.. whatever..

i lied to everyone about everything, especially me..

i’d say im not tired when i am. i say im hungry when im not. i tell people what they wanna hear. i never say what im actually feeling. i let the lies pile up like bricks on the wall until i can’t see out and no one else can see it.

i make a plan to escape. i become someone else. i putted on a disguise and i climbed over the wall. and no one recognizes me. i feel powerful. i get to do what i want to do. but i go too far. i get lost. and i dont recognize myself.

so i take off my disguise. i give away my power. i give up the control. i retrace myself. go back to the wall. and take it down, brick by brick.. i bury them to mark the place. strip away all the lies, till there none left.

i remember the girl i left behind. i claimed the confidence that was missing. envisioned the woman i wanna be.

tell everyone the truth about everything, especially me..

the point

When you're at that point, when you feel it's all pointless... It's not. The trick is to just keep doing it, that's how you succeed in the end. It's the secret to life, do anything often enough, and for long enough, and you get good at it. So keep on. Keep writing. Keep painting. Keep singing. Keep dancing. Keep fighting. Keep. On.

The General Rule

Walk and pick things up as you go. Nothing too heavy, nothing too light. Weigh each item against your soul and if it measures up, take it with you. If it makes you weary or it loses its significance, leave it behind for someone else to find.

Keep only that which you need.