Showing posts with label lingering thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lingering thoughts. Show all posts
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Loneliness VS Aloneness
The funny thing about loneliness is how very little it has to do with actually being alone.
The saddest, truest kind of loneliness seeps in when you least expect it. It arrives silently: while lying in the arms of your lover, measuring the frequency of their hand as it runs back and forth, up and down, caressing the dimple of your thigh. It’s noticing the way their touch occasionally slows, falters – the way they’ve grown so easily distracted by the static, violent movements of their video game, the one you bought them for their birthday.
It’s remembering the way your body once commanded their pulse to quicken, their heart to race. It’s how your touch once brought light to their eyes and tiny, dancing goose-bumps to the skin of their neck. Loneliness is is the pull-back to your lean-in, the hug to your kiss, the question to your certainty; it’s the time between replies, as you sit, staring at your phone — wishing death upon all those who dare message in their silence.
Loneliness isn’t measurable by numbers or bodies or answers to a questionnaire; loneliness is the perpetual state of seeking that which you so crave, that which you so need. Loneliness comes with settling for less than you deserve just as surely as it comes with reaching for that which you cannot attain. It’s incurable by company, it swells in the presence of friends; it grips you unforgivingly, from within.
Loneliness is the isolation that comes with nursing a feeling unreturned — an expectation unmet.
Aloneness is different. Aloneness is finding freedom in this very same isolation; it’s the strange state of bliss that comes with being truly, honestly, unapologetically content in your own company.
Being alone is buying a single ticket to a foreign film you know absolutely nothing about. It’s sitting in the back row, tearing open the wrapper to your favorite chocolate bar, immersing yourself so completely in the fictional love of fictional characters that you all but forget the to-and-fros of your own trivial existence. You forget about that person you met at the bar last week, the one you gave your number to but never heard back from. You forget about the photo that your ex just uploaded on Facebook; the one with their new love interest, laughing carelessly behind designer glasses. You forget because, in that moment, nothing matters more than the sweet crunch of your chocolate bar and the eventual union of Character A with Character B.
Aloneness is a Saturday night when your best friend is on a date and you forgot to make other plans. It’s walking to the wine shop while listening to that song you love and buying the second-cheapest bottle of wine — because even though you have no money, you deserve to be treated. It’s building a fort in your bedroom, one with high-speed WiFi, walls of pillows, and a moat of old DVD cases. It’s drinking your cheap wine in your cheap castle and understanding that nobody’s coming to save you. Because you don’t want them to. Because you don’t need to be saved.
Loneliness and aloneness stand as the two pillars to the one, emotional pendulum. There will be days when you’re so physically alone, so abandoned in your own company that you find yourselves smiling, laughing without reason. Then there will be the days spent by the ocean with the one you love, when you find yourselves suddenly, inconceivably, on the verge of tears.
We can’t allow ourselves to be defined by the people we surround ourselves with. We can’t allow ourselves to be defined by our relationship status or our weekend plans or the screaming silence of our mobile phone. If you’re single, please understand that a relationship isn’t the ticket to happiness. If you’re in a relationship, please know that being single isn’t a sentence to sorrow. We’re all just swinging on that same, rickety pendulum — forever in flux between being alone and being lonely.
We’re all just trying to find our balance, wondering how or why or what we’re doing there — wherever there is.
Just know that, whichever you happen to be or feel at this exact moment, the power to maintain or change it will always be in your own hands — not in theirs, or in anyone else’s.
And sometimes the best cure to loneliness is, in fact, to be alone.
The saddest, truest kind of loneliness seeps in when you least expect it. It arrives silently: while lying in the arms of your lover, measuring the frequency of their hand as it runs back and forth, up and down, caressing the dimple of your thigh. It’s noticing the way their touch occasionally slows, falters – the way they’ve grown so easily distracted by the static, violent movements of their video game, the one you bought them for their birthday.
It’s remembering the way your body once commanded their pulse to quicken, their heart to race. It’s how your touch once brought light to their eyes and tiny, dancing goose-bumps to the skin of their neck. Loneliness is is the pull-back to your lean-in, the hug to your kiss, the question to your certainty; it’s the time between replies, as you sit, staring at your phone — wishing death upon all those who dare message in their silence.
Loneliness isn’t measurable by numbers or bodies or answers to a questionnaire; loneliness is the perpetual state of seeking that which you so crave, that which you so need. Loneliness comes with settling for less than you deserve just as surely as it comes with reaching for that which you cannot attain. It’s incurable by company, it swells in the presence of friends; it grips you unforgivingly, from within.
Loneliness is the isolation that comes with nursing a feeling unreturned — an expectation unmet.
Aloneness is different. Aloneness is finding freedom in this very same isolation; it’s the strange state of bliss that comes with being truly, honestly, unapologetically content in your own company.
Being alone is buying a single ticket to a foreign film you know absolutely nothing about. It’s sitting in the back row, tearing open the wrapper to your favorite chocolate bar, immersing yourself so completely in the fictional love of fictional characters that you all but forget the to-and-fros of your own trivial existence. You forget about that person you met at the bar last week, the one you gave your number to but never heard back from. You forget about the photo that your ex just uploaded on Facebook; the one with their new love interest, laughing carelessly behind designer glasses. You forget because, in that moment, nothing matters more than the sweet crunch of your chocolate bar and the eventual union of Character A with Character B.
Aloneness is a Saturday night when your best friend is on a date and you forgot to make other plans. It’s walking to the wine shop while listening to that song you love and buying the second-cheapest bottle of wine — because even though you have no money, you deserve to be treated. It’s building a fort in your bedroom, one with high-speed WiFi, walls of pillows, and a moat of old DVD cases. It’s drinking your cheap wine in your cheap castle and understanding that nobody’s coming to save you. Because you don’t want them to. Because you don’t need to be saved.
Loneliness and aloneness stand as the two pillars to the one, emotional pendulum. There will be days when you’re so physically alone, so abandoned in your own company that you find yourselves smiling, laughing without reason. Then there will be the days spent by the ocean with the one you love, when you find yourselves suddenly, inconceivably, on the verge of tears.
We can’t allow ourselves to be defined by the people we surround ourselves with. We can’t allow ourselves to be defined by our relationship status or our weekend plans or the screaming silence of our mobile phone. If you’re single, please understand that a relationship isn’t the ticket to happiness. If you’re in a relationship, please know that being single isn’t a sentence to sorrow. We’re all just swinging on that same, rickety pendulum — forever in flux between being alone and being lonely.
We’re all just trying to find our balance, wondering how or why or what we’re doing there — wherever there is.
Just know that, whichever you happen to be or feel at this exact moment, the power to maintain or change it will always be in your own hands — not in theirs, or in anyone else’s.
And sometimes the best cure to loneliness is, in fact, to be alone.
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Dear (insert name here),
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to your text message – the one where I was
supposed to confirm the time and location of our date. I told you that I
would, but I didn’t. It’s not that I forgot, either. I wasn’t run off
my feet at school, or unable to find an appropriate moment. I spent the
entire day at home, studying and writing and thinking and watching random movies from Netflix. I had the time.
I hate that I didn’t text you back, because I know how it feels to wait for a message that never arrives. If you’re anything like me, which I suspect you might be, you’ll probably start by concocting a long list of excuses – because, for whatever reason, you like me, and that’s what we do for people we like. We give them passes, whether or not they deserve them. They usually don’t.
Then, as the hours pass and you still haven’t heard from me, you’ll probably direct your analytical thinking inwards – asking yourself what you did to mess it up. You’ll relay the last two weeks, text-by-text, trying to piece the puzzle together. Was it that I didn’t find you physically attractive? Was it that your last message had one too many smiley faces? Was it that you were too keen – too excited?
I could tell you, in all honesty, that it wasn’t you – but you probably wouldn’t believe me. In the face of unrequited affection, it’s always our fault. I want you to know that you are physically attractive; your teeth are perfectly straight and white, you have a thick head of dark hair – the kind I like – and a gorgeous, smiling set of blue eyes. You’re creative, ambitious in your goals, just the right amount of sensible off-balanced by just the right amount of wild youthfulness. I wasn’t put-off by your being keen or excited and I wasn’t put-off by that one extra (unnecessarily happy) emoji.
In fact, now that I think about it, we’d probably get along really well, you and I.
It’s funny because nothing frustrates me more than someone not responding to a text message. I find it to be the height of rudeness, a cyber-slap in the face. It’s lazy, it’s selfish, it’s insensitive; it’s someone being so completely consumed in the movements of their own existence that they’re unable to comprehend the feelings of others. I understand that this makes me a hypocrite — I hate hypocrites.
Maybe it’s a warped defense mechanism of mine, a way of protecting myself after a long string of broken promises, hurt and disappointment. Maybe it’s my way of gaining some level of control or power — things I’m so often without when it comes to relationships and dating. It could be that I like feeling unattainable, that it strokes my long-bruised ego. Whatever it is, I guess all I can say is that I’m sorry.
But even then, I’m not sure I’d mean it..
I hate that I didn’t text you back, because I know how it feels to wait for a message that never arrives. If you’re anything like me, which I suspect you might be, you’ll probably start by concocting a long list of excuses – because, for whatever reason, you like me, and that’s what we do for people we like. We give them passes, whether or not they deserve them. They usually don’t.
Then, as the hours pass and you still haven’t heard from me, you’ll probably direct your analytical thinking inwards – asking yourself what you did to mess it up. You’ll relay the last two weeks, text-by-text, trying to piece the puzzle together. Was it that I didn’t find you physically attractive? Was it that your last message had one too many smiley faces? Was it that you were too keen – too excited?
I could tell you, in all honesty, that it wasn’t you – but you probably wouldn’t believe me. In the face of unrequited affection, it’s always our fault. I want you to know that you are physically attractive; your teeth are perfectly straight and white, you have a thick head of dark hair – the kind I like – and a gorgeous, smiling set of blue eyes. You’re creative, ambitious in your goals, just the right amount of sensible off-balanced by just the right amount of wild youthfulness. I wasn’t put-off by your being keen or excited and I wasn’t put-off by that one extra (unnecessarily happy) emoji.
In fact, now that I think about it, we’d probably get along really well, you and I.
It’s funny because nothing frustrates me more than someone not responding to a text message. I find it to be the height of rudeness, a cyber-slap in the face. It’s lazy, it’s selfish, it’s insensitive; it’s someone being so completely consumed in the movements of their own existence that they’re unable to comprehend the feelings of others. I understand that this makes me a hypocrite — I hate hypocrites.
Maybe it’s a warped defense mechanism of mine, a way of protecting myself after a long string of broken promises, hurt and disappointment. Maybe it’s my way of gaining some level of control or power — things I’m so often without when it comes to relationships and dating. It could be that I like feeling unattainable, that it strokes my long-bruised ego. Whatever it is, I guess all I can say is that I’m sorry.
But even then, I’m not sure I’d mean it..
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I will forget you.
I will forget you and if that doesn’t sound romantic, it’s because it
isn’t. It’s a simple inevitability, a truth colder than the last night
we spent together. Remember that night? Gosh! What year was that? When I woke up in the morning
and felt nothing familiar, that’s when I knew it was over for good. At
least, that’s what I think happened. I fill in the blanks sometimes because I’ve already begun to forget.
I remember the color of your hair, but not the color of your laugh. I remember your name, that one’s easy; I don’t remember how your parents say it in their native tongue (I forgot that one the second you told me). I remember that you exist, that we spent some of our time together for what now feels like a blip, a sneeze, a little nothing. But I forget everything else, like what brought us together and what drove us apart. And mostly everything that happened in between that.
I forget what it’s like to kiss you and what it’s like to want to. I forget what it feels like to hold your hand, to be wrap inside your arms. I forget what it’s like to trust you, to believe in you, to need you. I forget what it’s like to think that I’d never forget any of it. For a long time, I thought I never would. You and I both know you left ghosts behind, but they seem to have found someone new to haunt. Maybe it’s you.
The inside jokes have already dissolved into unordered words with no punchline. The gifts have been reduced to objects whose saving grace is their monetary value, no meaning and all function. There are photographs, somewhere, but I’m not the person posed in them anymore and whoever that is sitting next to me, all dressed up in your costume and wearing your mask, well, that’s not you either. But what do I know about who you are? I forget that part, if I ever knew it to begin with.
I won’t forget you the way I won’t forget the pain of getting a wisdom tooth removed. Like something that happened to me once and then unhappened to me and then didn’t matter anymore.
But I will forget you where it counts, like in the eyes and in the mornings and in the moments that felt and looked and tasted a lot like love. I will forget you in those places because I already have.
I remember the color of your hair, but not the color of your laugh. I remember your name, that one’s easy; I don’t remember how your parents say it in their native tongue (I forgot that one the second you told me). I remember that you exist, that we spent some of our time together for what now feels like a blip, a sneeze, a little nothing. But I forget everything else, like what brought us together and what drove us apart. And mostly everything that happened in between that.
I forget what it’s like to kiss you and what it’s like to want to. I forget what it feels like to hold your hand, to be wrap inside your arms. I forget what it’s like to trust you, to believe in you, to need you. I forget what it’s like to think that I’d never forget any of it. For a long time, I thought I never would. You and I both know you left ghosts behind, but they seem to have found someone new to haunt. Maybe it’s you.
The inside jokes have already dissolved into unordered words with no punchline. The gifts have been reduced to objects whose saving grace is their monetary value, no meaning and all function. There are photographs, somewhere, but I’m not the person posed in them anymore and whoever that is sitting next to me, all dressed up in your costume and wearing your mask, well, that’s not you either. But what do I know about who you are? I forget that part, if I ever knew it to begin with.
I won’t forget you the way I won’t forget the pain of getting a wisdom tooth removed. Like something that happened to me once and then unhappened to me and then didn’t matter anymore.
But I will forget you where it counts, like in the eyes and in the mornings and in the moments that felt and looked and tasted a lot like love. I will forget you in those places because I already have.
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In being Okay..
Sometimes the hardest part about not being okay is knowing that you will, in the end, be okay.
Your resilience transcends your emotion, questions it, mocks it — poses threat to that one remaining connection, the one you’ve been clinging to so desperately. Sadness is, after all, the only emotion that is quite as powerful, quite as all-consuming, quite as life-validating as happiness. Without one or the other, you’re left hanging on a foreign tangent — a break from the safety of any given narrative, the assurance of any given character arch. It’s the blank page between chapters, it’s the space between the lines. It’s the comma before an adjective.
You’re left with being okay.
You’re left with the hollow, disconnected lyrics to that song which once moved you so swiftly to tears: alone in your room, that one Friday night when they were supposed to call, but didn’t. When you sat, broken in silence, lost in the cool folds and creases of your bedsheets, immersed so deeply in melody that you somehow felt connected to all those who have sat and hurt and wept before you. That you felt connected to the pain of it all.
Being okay is realizing that the same words that once hurt you no longer move you in such a way. It’s having them wash over you, instead: slowly, silently, unaffectedly — forever beautiful in their composition, but empty of the same, soul-grasping resonance. It’s when there’s no longer an emotional subtext between what you say and what you mean. It’s waking up in the morning with a stillness of body and mind, thoughts free of the endless “if”s and “but”s of love and life.
And yet, we resist it: the stillness, the okay-ness. We resist it because, over time, the notion of being okay has grown synonymous with indifference, with boredom. We resist it because we’re so afraid of being alone. Humans are, after all, connected by mutual experiences of hurt and triumph.
We resist it because we’ve lost sight of the beauty in simply being.
As humans bursting so invariably with consciousness, we’ve become addicted to the familiarity of emotional extremes: the hot, numbing grip of pain; the incontestable rush of ecstasy. These feelings push us, pull us, guide us down good paths and bad; providing catalyst for movement and change. We crave them — however temporary or destructive they may be. We yearn for the cruel inflection of heartbreak, the screaming accent of success and the tender nuance of love.
We abandon alright-ness in favor of drama, and in doing so, forget to appreciate all the niceness of an average moment: the way it allows reflection, the way it allows us to hear the cracks and faults in our own breath. It’s being able to walk on a whim in whichever direction you choose, free of burden, free of influence. It’s taking an hour-long coffee break between the chapters of your favorite book, it’s closing your eyes into the fading sun and truly savoring its warmth. It’s the peace of mind that comes with accepting contentment in the absence of joy.
Perhaps it’s these moments of being ‘just fine’ which really connect us — the moments in which we find ourselves looking left to right, wondering where we are, why we’re there and what we’ll do next.
Perhaps being okay is having faith in eventual happiness. Perhaps it’s allowing our future selves to whisper back calming words of reassurance, telling us the way it all works out in the end, how we shouldn’t sweat the small stuff, how we should just breathe — just be.
And perhaps that, in itself, is beautiful. Perhaps that, in itself, is okay.
By the way, Happy birthday you old you!! <3
Your resilience transcends your emotion, questions it, mocks it — poses threat to that one remaining connection, the one you’ve been clinging to so desperately. Sadness is, after all, the only emotion that is quite as powerful, quite as all-consuming, quite as life-validating as happiness. Without one or the other, you’re left hanging on a foreign tangent — a break from the safety of any given narrative, the assurance of any given character arch. It’s the blank page between chapters, it’s the space between the lines. It’s the comma before an adjective.
You’re left with being okay.
You’re left with the hollow, disconnected lyrics to that song which once moved you so swiftly to tears: alone in your room, that one Friday night when they were supposed to call, but didn’t. When you sat, broken in silence, lost in the cool folds and creases of your bedsheets, immersed so deeply in melody that you somehow felt connected to all those who have sat and hurt and wept before you. That you felt connected to the pain of it all.
Being okay is realizing that the same words that once hurt you no longer move you in such a way. It’s having them wash over you, instead: slowly, silently, unaffectedly — forever beautiful in their composition, but empty of the same, soul-grasping resonance. It’s when there’s no longer an emotional subtext between what you say and what you mean. It’s waking up in the morning with a stillness of body and mind, thoughts free of the endless “if”s and “but”s of love and life.
And yet, we resist it: the stillness, the okay-ness. We resist it because, over time, the notion of being okay has grown synonymous with indifference, with boredom. We resist it because we’re so afraid of being alone. Humans are, after all, connected by mutual experiences of hurt and triumph.
We resist it because we’ve lost sight of the beauty in simply being.
As humans bursting so invariably with consciousness, we’ve become addicted to the familiarity of emotional extremes: the hot, numbing grip of pain; the incontestable rush of ecstasy. These feelings push us, pull us, guide us down good paths and bad; providing catalyst for movement and change. We crave them — however temporary or destructive they may be. We yearn for the cruel inflection of heartbreak, the screaming accent of success and the tender nuance of love.
We abandon alright-ness in favor of drama, and in doing so, forget to appreciate all the niceness of an average moment: the way it allows reflection, the way it allows us to hear the cracks and faults in our own breath. It’s being able to walk on a whim in whichever direction you choose, free of burden, free of influence. It’s taking an hour-long coffee break between the chapters of your favorite book, it’s closing your eyes into the fading sun and truly savoring its warmth. It’s the peace of mind that comes with accepting contentment in the absence of joy.
Perhaps it’s these moments of being ‘just fine’ which really connect us — the moments in which we find ourselves looking left to right, wondering where we are, why we’re there and what we’ll do next.
Perhaps being okay is having faith in eventual happiness. Perhaps it’s allowing our future selves to whisper back calming words of reassurance, telling us the way it all works out in the end, how we shouldn’t sweat the small stuff, how we should just breathe — just be.
And perhaps that, in itself, is beautiful. Perhaps that, in itself, is okay.
By the way, Happy birthday you old you!! <3
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Distance has so little to do with forgetting.
DANCE OF LIFE by Joe D' Mango
There were two hearts that met in a dance. That moment was magical. There was a sweet song playing, there was harmony…and soon…love in the air. They fell in love and started building castles with their dreams and promised forever with all certainty. But, somewhere, in the midst of the fun, they got lost in the dance, something went wrong, but they can never do anything. They were just drifting away, their fortress falling apart. There were so many questions…but no one had an answer.
Then the music stopped…and there was silence…
When we truly loved someone, we give our best and let that person see the pureness of our intention. But sometimes, that person makes us cry and hurts us for the wrong reason. That someone must have loved us, but he has not loved us enough to make him stand for what he truly felt.
Now, we are faced with the seemingly impossible task of forgetting. We have burdened ourselves long enough, but we still can’t get out of this emotional trap. Let us remember that the more we try to forget someone we love…the more painful letting go will become…
Sometimes, we never had to take that person out of our hearts at all…for he will always be there…no matter how we drive him away…It isn’t his presence that make this difficult. It is our stubbornness to accept our destiny that aligns forgetting next to impossible. We keep a cold face but deep in our hearts, there is still that lingering hope for reconciliation. Somehow, we still believe that we can rekindle small embers and relight the fire that once burned in our hearts. These thoughts give us hope… but also breed the seeds of loneliness and despair.
The only way to forget is to accept…and the only way to move on is to look ahead…and let the footprints of the past…be blown by the wind of time…only then can our hearts find a partner in the dance of life…and hopefully…never get lost again…
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Reality is kicking in today.
So I somehow came up with all this plans of going to medical school, and I was positive that I can see it through. BUT today, i once again thought about the ramifications and I realized that its probably better if I just strive to feel content on what I have achieved so far. And if I wanted more job opportunities/securities in the future, its more realistic to just get a Masters Degree in Nurse Anesthesia. That's 2years full time or 3years part time. Medical school as I planned it, would be 2 years in Peace Corps, 4 years in Medical School then 3-4 years for Residency. Where the heck would I get the funding for the 1st 6 years?? I don't think I can work as a nurse while going to Med School. I'd been stretching myself, working and going to school ever since I got here in USA. I'm pretty tired. I'm afraid by the time I get my MD, I'll be the one who will be needing medical attention. :) :(
Also looking in the financial aid application, Med Schools requires each students to release their parents tax info.. regardless of age and dependency. That really bums me out. I don't want to go knocking on my parents doors to ask for their tax info.. Its not like its going to make a difference anyway. It may actually affect me negatively, cuz then if they are earning too much, I'm still the one who needs to come up with the money. :'(
It really seems more practical for me to just get a Master degree, and just start building up my savings account. No matter what, I'm still in a much better place than I was 3years ago. That is something to be grateful for. :)
Also looking in the financial aid application, Med Schools requires each students to release their parents tax info.. regardless of age and dependency. That really bums me out. I don't want to go knocking on my parents doors to ask for their tax info.. Its not like its going to make a difference anyway. It may actually affect me negatively, cuz then if they are earning too much, I'm still the one who needs to come up with the money. :'(
It really seems more practical for me to just get a Master degree, and just start building up my savings account. No matter what, I'm still in a much better place than I was 3years ago. That is something to be grateful for. :)
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timeline..
Not quite sure if anyone is still reading this, I haven't written anything interesting for quite a while. Anyway, I'm scheduled to take the NCLEX this August. I hope everything will go well.
I have been jumping from one plan to another this couple of weeks. Somehow my dream of going to medical school is becoming stronger and stronger, so I took a closer look on it. I have an excellent GPA, but I'm lacking in Extra Curricular activities. I think if I really wanna go for it, I should start being active in the service group of my University and try to join a lot of community volunteers too. I also found out that I'll need more physics, calculus, biochemistry, molecular biology and expository writing courses. I think its doable, I just need to be super focus. I got my Associate degree in Nursing - passing the exam will make me a Registered Nurse.. Then 2 more years to get my Bachelor degree in Nursing. I'm gonna try to knock out the extra year that I will possibly need to take all the science and math classes needed to qualify in most medical school. I'm also gonna need more honor classes. I'm qualified to join the Lloyd International Program, the only downside with that is I'll need to study abroad for at least 1semester.I'm thinking I can do that for 1summer semester.. That's about two months of being an exchange student - that's not too bad.
I also got this idea that I should join the Peace Corps first before applying to Medical school, I think that would definitely give me an edge. That means, a Bachelor Degree and a lot of volunteer works for the next 2 years, to be competitive enough to get into Peace Corps. Apply to Peace Corps around Spring 2013 - the application process takes about 6-9months. So while going through the application process, study for MCAT then take the MCAT right before my deployment. Then hopefully, after 2years in Peace corps, I could just go through the process of admission in my target University. It seems like an uphill battle, but I'll be damn if I don't even try..
I have been jumping from one plan to another this couple of weeks. Somehow my dream of going to medical school is becoming stronger and stronger, so I took a closer look on it. I have an excellent GPA, but I'm lacking in Extra Curricular activities. I think if I really wanna go for it, I should start being active in the service group of my University and try to join a lot of community volunteers too. I also found out that I'll need more physics, calculus, biochemistry, molecular biology and expository writing courses. I think its doable, I just need to be super focus. I got my Associate degree in Nursing - passing the exam will make me a Registered Nurse.. Then 2 more years to get my Bachelor degree in Nursing. I'm gonna try to knock out the extra year that I will possibly need to take all the science and math classes needed to qualify in most medical school. I'm also gonna need more honor classes. I'm qualified to join the Lloyd International Program, the only downside with that is I'll need to study abroad for at least 1semester.I'm thinking I can do that for 1summer semester.. That's about two months of being an exchange student - that's not too bad.
I also got this idea that I should join the Peace Corps first before applying to Medical school, I think that would definitely give me an edge. That means, a Bachelor Degree and a lot of volunteer works for the next 2 years, to be competitive enough to get into Peace Corps. Apply to Peace Corps around Spring 2013 - the application process takes about 6-9months. So while going through the application process, study for MCAT then take the MCAT right before my deployment. Then hopefully, after 2years in Peace corps, I could just go through the process of admission in my target University. It seems like an uphill battle, but I'll be damn if I don't even try..
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The Cure
To master a feeling
is not to overcome or ignore it,
but is to feel it completely;
come to peace with it;
then set it free to move on.
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When all Is said and done..
So graduation is fast approaching. I decided not to attend, since I'm only getting my RN degree. I wanted to devote my time in reviewing for NCLEX. Its giving me a major scare right now. The decision not to attend the graduation has probably been a let down for my parents, but I feel they are trying to be positive/supportive by saying they still want to come and visit me. But the thing is I'm unsure if I want them too, I feel like I'm still not ready to be around them, I still want to keep my distance. I kind of kept a very clear line between my parents and I since I left MD, and I don't know how it would feel to have that line cross. I actually believe that if we didn't accidentally run on to each other at the mall, the 2nd time I visited MD, I believe they may not have heard from me at all. I was pretty set on leaving, moving on, and not looking back until I make something of myself. And I'm not quite there yet. I still wanted to pursue my Bachelors Degree then something higher than that. They're not bad parents, more of an absent parents. And I refuse to accept that I am bad daughter. Its just our personalities doesn't seem to match, something inside me repels them and yep, I still feel a lot of resentment towards them. No matter how I try I can't help it. I can only be around them for a limited time. It sucks really! and the sad part is, I cant even talk to them about it, or to anyone for that matter. I always come out to be the black sheep, but the reality is they never dealt with me, we never dealt with things. We'd have a major feud, and they'll do and say something really final, then a few months after, act like everybody else is to blame, except them.. And these days, they'll ask my siblings to remind me to call them, and I'd call and we joke around.. But at the end of it, I feel lost, I don't feel the connection that a daughter should feel for their parents. That hurts cuz it makes me feel real alone. but It also doesn't stop me from wanting to make them a part of my future, especially my siblings. I want to help, I want to do what a good daughter should and would do, but whenever the conversation get to the point where I feel like they're expecting or asking too much from me. I cant help but have all this bad thoughts running through my head, reminding me of ways they hurt me. Then it makes me wonder why I should feel oblige on coming through for them, when they did the opposite for me? and It doesn't make me feel good. It just shows how unforgiving I am and how I hold grudges. Its not the epitome of the person I wanted to be.
ps: I'm not making my parents look bad. They seem to get along with everybody else, except me. And I feel like they also have been trying hard to reach out to me. They offered to help me with money a few times, but the thing is, I cant even get myself to accept their help, I cant get myself to depend on them.. Something in me doesn't fit with them, and for most part, I don't know how to fix it.. I don't think they do too..
ps: I'm not making my parents look bad. They seem to get along with everybody else, except me. And I feel like they also have been trying hard to reach out to me. They offered to help me with money a few times, but the thing is, I cant even get myself to accept their help, I cant get myself to depend on them.. Something in me doesn't fit with them, and for most part, I don't know how to fix it.. I don't think they do too..
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My Dream Inner Circle
Who are the people you want in your life? Describe the kind of relationships you envision for yourself. What traits are more important to you in your friends? What does your ideal inner circle look like?
Somehow, I have this Sade song playing in my head, while thinking about the question..
You think I’d leave your side baby
You know me better than that
You think I’d leave you down when you’re down on your knees
I wouldn’t do that
When you’re cold, I’ll be there
Hold you tight to me
When you’re on the outside baby and you can’t get in
I will show you, you’re so much better than you know
When you’re lost and you’re alone and you cant get back again
I will find you darling and I will bring you home
And if you want to cry
I am here to dry your eyes
And in no time, you’ll be fine
You think I’d leave your side baby
You know me better than that
You think I’d leave you down when you’re down on your knees
I wouldn’t do that…♥
*I want to be around fun, happy, loving, positive, accepting and understanding people. People I can enjoy to be out in the sunshine with, same as strong enough to stick around when the storm is "im'ma coming" and "im'ma staying here for a while"!! Storm is a good thing. It filters the people in your life 'til only the pure remains. It's liberating to let the rain pour sometimes. *
Inspirational Quotes:
*I want to be around fun, happy, loving, positive, accepting and understanding people. People I can enjoy to be out in the sunshine with, same as strong enough to stick around when the storm is "im'ma coming" and "im'ma staying here for a while"!! Storm is a good thing. It filters the people in your life 'til only the pure remains. It's liberating to let the rain pour sometimes. *
Inspirational Quotes:
- People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within. -Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
- Our feelings are our most genuine paths to knowledge. - Audre Lorde
- Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place. - Zora Neale Hurston
- If facts are the seeds that later produce knowledge and wisdom, then the emotions and the impressions of the senses are the fertile soil in which the seeds must grow. - Rachel Carson
- The greatness of a community is most accurately measured by the compassionate actions of its members, ...a heart of grace and a soul generated by love. -Coretta Scott King
- No person is your friend (or kin) who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow and be perceived as fully blossomed as you were intended. -Alice Walker
- Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light. - Helen Keller
- Love is that condition in the human spirit so profound that it allows me to survive, and better than that, to thrive with passion, compassion, and style. -Maya Angelou
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If you knew you could not fail, what would you do?
Be my own boss. Work on creative, humanitarian projects. Get really busy, doing something productive and helpful 24/7. Work with like minded people. Fall asleep thinking I at least saved one person that day and look forward to waking up the next day, knowing I'll have another opportunity to save someone else..
Inspirational Quotes:
- Im not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship - Louisa Alcott
- Right now you are one choice away from a new beginning -- one that leads you toward becoming the fullest human being you can be - Oprah Winfrey
- One of the things i learned the hard way was that it doesn't pAy to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself. - Lucille Ball
- If you really want something and never give up, you will find a way. - JAne Goodball
- Inspiration usually comes during work, rather than before it. - MAdeleine L'Engle
- Life is what we make it. ALways has been, always will be - Grandma Moses
- Life isn't one straight line. Most of us have to be transplanted, like a tree, before we blossom. - Louise Nevelson
- Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming after all, is a form of planning. - Gloria Steinem
- No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars, or sailed to uncharted land, or opened a new doorway for the human spirit. - Helen Keller
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vision of love
Just wondering, when did it start being complicated? When I was young (oh I'm still young!! What i mean is during my high school years.), I used to think that I'll find that person -- the love of my life -- then we will live happily ever after.. We of course have big dreams and we'll chase it, but at the end of the day, we already found each other so that's it! The world could disappoint us, the world could deny our dreams, but we have each other, together we will inspire and persevere! The biggest mistake we could probably do is have an unplanned pregnancy - which can be solve by celibacy. Yeah I used to have it all figure out.. These days, I think the big dreams are easier to achieve -- everlasting love -- not so much..
Happy Friday everyone!!
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Absent without official leave
Let's play hopscotch in malls. Let's drive fast with the top down. Let's turn up the music as loud as it'll go. Let's put a couch on an island in the middle of the freeway and wave at everyone on their way to running their errands. Let's hand out secret messages at traffic lights. Let's make lists of all the things that make us smile and tick them off, one at a time. The world will carry on without you and me when we're gone. Let it carry on without us, today.
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life is about knowing the difference between what you want and what you don't want..
why bother with something that's not good
cuz if it's not good then its bad..
why bother with something
just because it's something..
if your heart's not in it
it's kind to set it free..
if your heart's not in it
it's kind to set it free..
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Angel of Almost
"If you'd carried on practicing that song you almost got right,
It continued
"If you'd carried on working on that book you almost finished,
Then it said
"If you'd tried to reach the one you loved just a little bit more,
And I asked
"Is this what happens when I die?"
And the voice said
"Almost."
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