When all Is said and done..

So graduation is fast approaching. I decided not to attend, since I'm only getting my RN degree. I wanted to devote my time in reviewing for NCLEX. Its giving me a major scare right now. The decision not to attend the graduation has probably been a let down for my parents, but I feel they are trying to be positive/supportive by saying they still want to come and visit me. But the thing is I'm unsure if I want them too, I feel like I'm still not ready to be around them, I still want to keep my distance. I kind of kept a very clear line between my parents and I since I left MD, and I don't know how it would feel to have that line cross. I actually believe that if we didn't accidentally run on to each other at the mall, the 2nd time I visited MD, I believe they may not have heard from me at all. I was pretty set on leaving, moving on, and not looking back until I make something of myself. And I'm not quite there yet. I still wanted to pursue my Bachelors Degree then something higher than that. They're not bad parents, more of an absent parents. And I refuse to accept that I am bad daughter. Its just our personalities doesn't seem to match, something inside me repels them and yep, I still feel a lot of resentment towards them. No matter how I try I can't help it. I can only be around them for a limited time. It  sucks really! and the sad part is, I cant even talk to them about it, or to anyone for that matter. I always come out to be the black sheep, but the reality is they never dealt with me, we never dealt with things. We'd have a major feud, and they'll do and say something really final, then a few months after, act like everybody else is to blame, except them.. And these days, they'll ask my siblings to remind me to call them, and I'd call and we joke around.. But at the end of it, I feel lost, I don't feel the connection that a daughter should feel for their parents. That hurts cuz it makes me feel real alone. but It also doesn't stop me from wanting to make them a part of my future, especially my siblings. I want to help, I want to do what a good daughter should and would do, but whenever the conversation get to the point where I feel like they're expecting or asking too much from me. I cant help but have all this bad thoughts running through my head, reminding me of ways they hurt me. Then it makes me wonder why I should feel oblige on coming through for them, when they did the opposite for me? and It doesn't make me feel good. It just shows how unforgiving I am and how I hold grudges. Its not the epitome of the person I wanted to be.

ps: I'm not making my parents look bad. They seem to get along with everybody else, except me. And I feel like they also have been trying hard to reach out to me. They offered to help me with money a few times, but the thing is, I cant even get myself to accept their help, I cant get myself to depend on them.. Something in me doesn't fit with them, and for most part, I don't know how to fix it.. I don't think they do too..