There's much more important things..

I have to get over you. For months now, a stone had been sitting on my heart. I shed tears over you, lost a lot of sleep, eaten a lot of chocolate. Somehow, I have to move on. Life would be dismal if I didn't shake loose from the grip you have on my heart. I most definitely didn't want to keep feeling this way, alone in a relationship meant for two. Even if you feel like The One. Even if I wanted us to last. Even if you still have a choke chain on my heart.

The funny thing about a broken heart is that it's not fatal. Though you wish in vain that it were, life continues on and you have no choice but to continue on with it. You take the hand that fate has dealt you and you press forward because there is nothing else that can be done.

God, I'm torn apart inside.

Though it's been a while now
I can still feel so much pain
Like a knife that cuts you the wound heals
but that scar, that scar remains

and now I see you found somebody new
and I never meant that much to you
And to know that tears me up inside
And to see you cuts me like a knife

It's only a phase.

No matter how many colors my heart turns from being bruised and trampled, I haven’t lost my faith in you. So, I may have been wrong before, as much as I hoped I was right. At least I still believe that you’re out there. And through the chaos of heartbreak, my heart is still open for the taking...

Icarus wings.

I’m learning (maybe more than I ever have before) to enjoy the now, to live in the present. But I want also to learn to “make space for the unknown future”—recognizing that it could very well bring with it “yet-to-come surprises” that are—it’s possible—better than what I originally planned, wished for, wanted, or thought needed.

So I’m working hard to lift my eyes, lift my heart, lift my hopes to see the wonder, mystery, grace, and whimsy in the uncharted future. To make space for possibility. To embrace ambiguity.

To lean in, even when I don’t know where it’s going.

It might not seem like much from the outside looking in, but I assure you—from the inside looking out—it’s demanding an enormous amount of courage for this tattered heart of mine.

Never give up on true love.

Sometimes I think I have felt everything I'm ever gonna feel. And from here on out, I'm not gonna feel anything new. Just lesser versions of what I've already felt.

Christmas day by myself..

Almost got kicked out of nursing school.

"Tough times remind you of how lucky you are to have the umbrella of faith to top you when the trials of life try to stop you"

Dec. 6: I took one of my 3 final exams and failed it. I studied really hard but somehow 3 hours wasn't enough to answer 100 questions. I found myself guessing a lot and ended up with a score of 70/100. I needed at least 80 to pass. As soon as I finished the exam, I hid in the bathroom and cried because I knew then that I failed the class. It was a very difficult weekend. I didn't have the motivation to keep studying for my 2 remaining exams. I almost gave up and thought of not taking them. I went through a lot of scenarios in my head. At that point, I knew that the worst case scenario is to get completely kicked out of the program. Or go through the appeal process and get left behind for a year. I went through 5 stages of grief. I cried a lot, questioned God for not coming up with some sort of miracle to help me pass. After all, I did the work, I gave my 100% and I was thinking God should have met me halfway and did the rest. I felt like I don't have anymore fight left in me to go thru an additional year of studying. Moreover, the embarrassment of failing. I don't wanna see my peers next semester and have to tell them that I 'm now a year behind in school. Moreover, I definitely didn't want to sit in a conference room with the Dean and all the nursing committee and be interrogated for NOT being successful. I didn't think I could keep a straight face. These are people that I wanted to impress, and I don't want them to see me cry. I didn't want to sit in front of them looking like a big failure! But I guess there's a first time for everything.

Dec 9: Although I was too depressed to study, I still showed up and took my 2 remaining finals. I got 90 on the 1st one and 94 on the 2nd one. Yay right! But still it didn't meant anything because I still got that C- from the other class. Anyway, so after those 2 exams, I forced myself to calm down and contacted my adviser as well as the assistant dean to discuss my options. They helped me figure out the documents I needed to go through the appeal process.  I basically needed to write a letter explaining what happened and what I can do to ensure my success next time. 

Dec 17: Day of the conference for my progression appeal. It was a roller coaster experience. I felt like I was on my own. I felt like nobody cared what happens to me. It felt like everything I said was something they've all heard before, therefore, not going to sway them to decide on my favor. In the end, one of my past clinical professor saw me crying so she asked why. I told her everything and she was nice enough to listen and let me cry on her shoulder. She was very helpful. She gave me what I needed the most at that time -- which is a hug from someone who cares.

Dec 18: The night of 18th, the president of the appeal committee emailed me to let me know they granted my appeal. Happy night!! They ended up stretching my clinical hours, so instead of being in a 2-year track, I am now in a 3-year track. 

 Dec 20: I had another meeting with the Assistant Dean. She's been very helpful throughout this process too. She even told me she wanted me to succeed. It helps to hear words like that, because I'd been really beating myself up for failing. I also realized this happened because God is teaching me to ask for help. The process has been especially difficult since I needed to get over my pride, and asked for the faculty members support/help in my progression appeal. In retrospect, I wasn't alone after all. I was just drowning myself in self-pity.

• Good News: I'm still IN the program = my dream is still VERY possible.

• Bad News: I won't be graduating until 2016 (if everything goes well)

• More Bad News: I'll be experiencing some financial difficulty for the next 2 1/2 years.

What made me decide to appeal? As I said before, I went through a lot of scenarios in my head. All it did is made me realize how lost I would be if I don't become a Nurse Anesthetist. So it was either an additional year of hardship OR a lifetime of regret -- feeling completely lost and unfulfilled. It made it easier to see that an additional year is NOTHING. 

To sum it up: No matter how defeated I feel right now, I'm still at that point of my life where everything is still POSSIBLE. It's gonna take me longer to achieve my goal, but this is still a very great opportunity. Like what one of my friend told me, "5 years from now, my GPA wouldn't matter. Repeating a class won't matter. Even the year that I graduated wouldn't matter. What would matter is that I finish it and I become what I wanted to be. So chin up and be proud!" I'm thankful for the 2nd chance, not everybody get one. 

Hunting for Mr. Right

I went on another date that I thought went really well and I was super-excited about this guy... and the day after I let myself imagine the future. Well, a second date. But still, the most forward thinking I've let myself do in a bit. And of course this guy is no longer interested, though he perhaps really does want to be friends. I feel like he's going to say that he can't date me because my life is too together and I'm too far ahead of him (despite the fact that he's older, though he just graduated from college, but hasn't even applied to grad schools in another field I happened to double-major in). I don't want to hear it or deal with it or breathe it or think it.

I hate this. I want to be resilient and the only real way I can move forward is by actually just moving forward without stopping and thinking about everything, mourning possibilities or lamenting the past, and that's by finding new men to date... but is that a good idea? By not mourning them or just throwing myself a brief pity party (beyond simply reflecting now in writing this), am I limiting my own resilience? Can I only keep up at this pace for so long and then I just won't be able to date? I know I'm sort of anti-clingy and guys seem so surprised that I can have that rather masculine trait too, but maybe in doing that I'm further bottling everything up and limiting my dating endurance. But should I really plan to have to do this for so much longer? Do I want to? I was happy being an island, a nun, whatever we want to call it... the last year of undergrad when I didn't even really think about dating. Or was I just content because I didn't see another choice? Can I go back? Do I have to stop looking in order to find anything halfway decent?

I don't know, I'm just feeling frustrated by everything because I finally liked someone and he didn't like me back... the opposite of the crap I've been dealing with so it's frustrating... but it'll all look better in the morning, I'm sure.

anywhere anyplace I go you feel like home to me..

Well, I'm headed north to what I swore I wanted
And trying not to buy into my doubts
But I just can't seem to keep myself from wondering
Why I'm jealous of all them headlights headed south

Reality is kicking in today.

So I somehow came up with all this plans of going to medical school, and I was positive that I can see it through. BUT today, i once again thought about the ramifications and I realized that its probably better if I just strive to feel content on what I have achieved so far. And if I wanted more job opportunities/securities in the future, its  more realistic to just get a Masters Degree in Nurse Anesthesia. That's 2years full time or 3years part time. Medical school as I planned it, would be 2 years in Peace Corps, 4 years in Medical School then 3-4 years for Residency. Where the heck would I get the funding for the 1st 6 years?? I don't think I can work as a nurse while going to Med School. I'd been stretching myself, working and going to school ever since I got here in USA. I'm pretty tired. I'm afraid by the time I get my MD, I'll be the one who will be needing medical attention. :) :(

Also looking in the financial aid application, Med Schools requires each students to release their parents tax info.. regardless of age and dependency. That really bums me out. I don't want to go knocking on my parents doors to ask for their tax info.. Its not like its going to make a difference anyway. It may actually affect me negatively, cuz then if they are earning too much, I'm still the one who needs to come up with the money. :'(

It really seems more practical for me to just get a Master degree, and just start building up my savings account. No matter what, I'm still in a much better place than I was 3years ago. That is something to be grateful for. :)

Quiet ..

I feel worn out.I can feel you thinking of me. I wanted us to keep talking.Only I have nothing left to say..

.. countdown ..

Oh shut up. Every time it rains, it stops raining. Every time you hurt, you heal. After darkness, there is always light and you get reminded of this every morning but still you choose to believe that the night will last forever. Nothing lasts forever. Not the good or the bad. So you might as well smile while you're here.

some things simply speak for themselves

VII

i gave you access to all of my accounts

never realized you actually check on them

we stopped speaking for a while

you sent me a copy of my conversations w/ him

you asked, "what does it mean?"

i said, “whatever you’re thinking, its true”

but what i really wanna say is,

"i'll let us slip, cuz we never were real  "

VIII

we stopped by a fountain

you handed me a penny

i watched you make a wish

you said, “i wished for us to make it”

i said, "if i tell mine, it wont come true"

but what i really wished for is,

"i've used all my strength holding on so we'd make it,
now i need more so i can walk away"

IX

it was a long day, but i agreed to meet you

i didn’t fake not being happy to be out w/ you

you grew silent, i felt obliged to ask

you said: “it feels like you'll ditch me,
when someone better comes along”

i said, “thats silly, i had a bad day, i'm spent”

but what i was avoiding to admit is,

"i end up missing him more when i'm with you"

X

i take my finger, turn it into a pen

i take your palm, turn it into a paper

you guess i wrote something profound

something like:

“i hope we last forever”

i say, “you’re good at this game”

but what i really wrote is

“how i’ve yet to forget him”