10/18 Clinical
Posted by
at Tuesday, October 22, 2013 5:28:37 PM EDT
I’d been reading thru my past journal
entries, and I realized I haven’t been writing the right things.
Clinical is ok. There are parts of it that I’m good at i.e. being
physically present, and reacting to what’s going on while I’m at the
hospital. The hard part is thinking, writing and reflecting about what
happened.
I’ve noticed something about myself while going through all this clinical. First, I haven’t been able to connect with any of the female patients except for Ellen (1st clinical). I realized that for female patients, I have this idea that they were all there for the same reasons which is failed romantic relationship = substance abuse/domestic abuse/suicidal ideation. So I guess, this whole time I’d been minimizing their problems and it was hard for me to face it because of what it says about me. It makes me think that I’m shallow, ignorant and that I don’t have an understanding heart. It’s been difficult for me to think of it as a mental illness. Growing up from the Philippines, I’ve seen women stay in a bad relationship for economic reasons. I can understand those women, but I’m having a hard time understanding how a woman who grew up in America can let a bad relationship ruin them for years. I understand that there’s also economic crisis and poverty going on in here but I can’t stop comparing what “being poor” is like back home to what it is like back here. To sum it up, I’ve heard of women wanting to kill themselves because they’d been severely abuse, they have nowhere to go, no government aids to help them therefore they feel worthless and hopeless. What I’d been encountering so far, are women who have substance abuse problems and suicidal ideation because their significant other stopped loving them. It is what I’d been trying to understand lately. I now conclude that this is exactly why they fit into the mental illness category, because normally you would just let go and move on instead of having suicidal ideations etc..
2nd, I had a “light bulb” moment during our suicide lecture. You mentioned that as a student nurse you were having a hard time asking your patient if they have suicidal ideation because you wouldn’t know what to do if they said “yes”. I feel the same way about crying. I realized I don’t know what to do when someone cries in front of me so I avoid subjects that would make anyone cry. In the past, I dealt with it by saying something funny/foolish or tickling someone. Tickling a patient is certainly wrong in all level! I think this one of the reason I’m having such a hard time letting the conversation between the patients and I just flow. I think I subconsciously try to keep the conversation light and casual because I don’t want anyone to cry in front of me. In all honesty, during our first class when you asked us to bring something that describes us, I carefully planned bringing something that wouldn’t make me burst into tears and I was secretly praying everyone would do the same thing too. I think this is something I need to figure out more. I really can’t remember dealing with this type of situation face to face. Even with my best friend, I don’t say anything, I just let her cry then later on I will write her a letter or an email to let her know I care.
3rd, from our last clinical, you asked me what made Daniel different? I thought of this a lot and I can tell you a safe answer like he is the 1st patient I actually built a rapport with and got to see twice. I think though, the real answer is I can relate to some of what he's going through. It’s a family situation that I don’t feel comfortable sharing, but I saw a resemblance and it shook me. This experience also showed me how sympathizing to a patient can be a roadblock to a therapeutic relationship.
I’ve noticed something about myself while going through all this clinical. First, I haven’t been able to connect with any of the female patients except for Ellen (1st clinical). I realized that for female patients, I have this idea that they were all there for the same reasons which is failed romantic relationship = substance abuse/domestic abuse/suicidal ideation. So I guess, this whole time I’d been minimizing their problems and it was hard for me to face it because of what it says about me. It makes me think that I’m shallow, ignorant and that I don’t have an understanding heart. It’s been difficult for me to think of it as a mental illness. Growing up from the Philippines, I’ve seen women stay in a bad relationship for economic reasons. I can understand those women, but I’m having a hard time understanding how a woman who grew up in America can let a bad relationship ruin them for years. I understand that there’s also economic crisis and poverty going on in here but I can’t stop comparing what “being poor” is like back home to what it is like back here. To sum it up, I’ve heard of women wanting to kill themselves because they’d been severely abuse, they have nowhere to go, no government aids to help them therefore they feel worthless and hopeless. What I’d been encountering so far, are women who have substance abuse problems and suicidal ideation because their significant other stopped loving them. It is what I’d been trying to understand lately. I now conclude that this is exactly why they fit into the mental illness category, because normally you would just let go and move on instead of having suicidal ideations etc..
2nd, I had a “light bulb” moment during our suicide lecture. You mentioned that as a student nurse you were having a hard time asking your patient if they have suicidal ideation because you wouldn’t know what to do if they said “yes”. I feel the same way about crying. I realized I don’t know what to do when someone cries in front of me so I avoid subjects that would make anyone cry. In the past, I dealt with it by saying something funny/foolish or tickling someone. Tickling a patient is certainly wrong in all level! I think this one of the reason I’m having such a hard time letting the conversation between the patients and I just flow. I think I subconsciously try to keep the conversation light and casual because I don’t want anyone to cry in front of me. In all honesty, during our first class when you asked us to bring something that describes us, I carefully planned bringing something that wouldn’t make me burst into tears and I was secretly praying everyone would do the same thing too. I think this is something I need to figure out more. I really can’t remember dealing with this type of situation face to face. Even with my best friend, I don’t say anything, I just let her cry then later on I will write her a letter or an email to let her know I care.
3rd, from our last clinical, you asked me what made Daniel different? I thought of this a lot and I can tell you a safe answer like he is the 1st patient I actually built a rapport with and got to see twice. I think though, the real answer is I can relate to some of what he's going through. It’s a family situation that I don’t feel comfortable sharing, but I saw a resemblance and it shook me. This experience also showed me how sympathizing to a patient can be a roadblock to a therapeutic relationship.
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LL said…
Thursday, October 31, 2013 10:22:04 PM EDTThis is one of the best journal entries I have ever gotten. Your self assessment and honesty are inspirational. You think in an in depth way about yourself and about the women you have been working with. Also you are comparing cultures and cultural beliefs/expectations.
Crying is a tough circumstance. I suppose it is helpful to pause to think about what is happening to the patient that has left them crying. It can be so many different things, physical pain, frustration, sadness, fear, disappointment, shock and the release of emotion (to name a few). Since we can't touch them, it makes it harder to figure out what to do. You use your friend as an example, where you wait while she cries then acknowledge it later. Does it work? Setting aside your discomfort, it sounds like you are there with her, you don't judge her and you offer support when you can. Doesn't sound bad to me, you sound like a good friend to me. Often nurses try to jump in and "fix" things, as opposed to having the patience to sit quietly with the person.
As for #3 you show a remarkable amount of insight, perceptiveness, and maturity.
Nice work.
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